The Origin of The Bakery Manifesto

Everyone likes a good origin story.

In the early days of FetLife, my friends and I had some fun coming up with fauxtishes; fake fetishes to put into FetLife’s fetish lists. For those of you not familiar with FetLife, they set up their fetish lists with what the fetish is, and then in parenthesis, your interest. So it could look like this:

blowjobs (receiving); rough body play (giving)

… etc.

So I figured, what the hell – I’m into bakery items (receiving). Because I am. I looooves me some baked goods. Ah, it was good fun – we laughed. Then people started talking about all manner of travesties and unholy abominations of bakery items and baked goods, and I felt it was my duty to step forward and set the record straight. That was the first draft.

As time went by, people started asking “ah, but what about xyz?” and “what if you stand on your left foot while baking?” and each time, I added a little bit to the post. And somewhere – I’m not really sure where – it became a manifesto.

Everything you’re going to read here is true: the things that are right are right and the things that are wrong are wrong; this is not opinion, this is absolute unassailable fact. You fondant lovers can go over there in the corner with the pecan enthusiasts and just cry together and hug your knees, because your evil ways will take you straight to hell.

[And hey: this was originally published by me, Roughinamorato, on FetLife in 2009. I’m the originator of the work; if you want to spread it around like good buttercream, please just link back to this; do not copy it. I don’t want to read some bastardized hacked up version of it forwarded to me by my parents with “found on the internet author unknown” tacked onto it, somewhere down the line. Thanks.]

So I give to you, good reader… The Bakery Manifesto.